me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
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Ok who’s got my black socks?
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
How dramatic are you?
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon