Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
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”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.