when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
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[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”