Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
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Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.: