*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
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I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Can’t, holding a grudge
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?