I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
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Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
#Caturday
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter