Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
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priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
There are usually two types of merchants.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.