[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
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Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*