Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
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I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.