Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
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me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
new year update: losing everything but weight
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.