Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
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*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here