Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
You Might Also Like
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
first you must answer his riddles
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.