This meal prepping shit is easy
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New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Otters drive ottermobiles.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*