Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
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[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
That lamp looks PISSED.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.