You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
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Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
fair
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER