Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
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Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*