me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
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I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
The news
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.