If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
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One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.