I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
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Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.