Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
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im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*