The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
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Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.