me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
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Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
#parenting
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say