Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
You Might Also Like
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…