Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
You Might Also Like
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.