I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
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She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Steam Forums
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.