The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
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Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.