Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
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customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer