I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
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absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…