The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
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Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.