Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
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[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.