Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
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It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
The only good comments section online is on recipes
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.