Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
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[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone