I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
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“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Day 2 of my diet
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.