Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
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Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
How to make infinite energy.
📽️movie date🎞️
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
the only bumper sticker ill allow
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.