me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
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Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood