WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
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If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
The struggle is real.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/