one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
How do you milk an almond?
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it