[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
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Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
#Caturday
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash