every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
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[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
first you must answer his riddles
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
me 2 months after i graduated
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.