My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
You Might Also Like
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
So, can we agree on 4 or
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what