Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
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Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine