Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
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Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives