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Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Sorry. Not sorry
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I have a black belt in leather
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.