“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
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I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
How I’d get arrested…
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
That time Alicia messaged me
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Love it! 👍😂
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?