I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
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Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.