Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
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Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.