person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
You Might Also Like
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Wait a second…
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.