Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
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I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.