*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
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The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
My five year plan is a meteorite
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!