Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
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Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.